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Having a "Good Enough" Marriage is an Achievement

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Having a "Good Enough" Marriage is an Achievement

Post  Elena on Mon Oct 24, 2011 6:26 pm

Here is a GREAT article sent to me by Duchess Lylia:

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/what-your-marriage-counselor-doesn-t-want-you-to-know-2588205
If you knew these things, you wouldn’t need a marriage counselor, would you? This insider info comes from psychologist Karen Sherman and from psychotherapist Wendy Allen, Ph.D., author of How to Survive the Crisis of an Affair.

* Sixty-nine percent of all arguments between you and your partner will never be resolved. So don’t try so hard.
* A couple that doesn’t fight is in trouble.
* Having a “good enough” marriage is the most couples can expect and is actually quite an accomplishment.
* Letting go is sometimes better than discussing everything to death.
* Respect, not sex or money, is the most important factor in a happy marriage.
* There are marital breaches worse than an affair.
* A therapist cannot teach, train, or guide you to “be happy.” That is not a reasonable outcome to expect from therapy.

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Re: Having a "Good Enough" Marriage is an Achievement

Post  Elena on Tue Oct 25, 2011 12:19 am

Another interesting article. What should people talk about BEFORE getting married.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/17/fashion/weddings/17FIELDBOX.html To quote:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

Cool Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

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Epic Marriage

Post  Elena on Sun Nov 20, 2011 2:48 pm

The Wall Street Journal has an excellent article on marriages that last.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204190504577039741669021050.html?mod=e2tw
I have been exposed in my adult life to just a few epic marriages. One of them is that of Evelyn and Leonard Lauder.

The Lauders had been married for 52 years when Mrs. Lauder died Nov. 12 at the age of 75 of complications from nongenetic ovarian cancer.

I met Mr. and Mrs. Lauder in the winter of 2010 when I was asked by WSJ. Magazine to interview them for a feature story about what it's like to both live and work together, as they did for Estée Lauder, the cosmetic giant founded by Mr. Lauder's mother in 1946.

The interview took place at their Fifth Avenue apartment in Manhattan. It is the fanciest home I have ever been in.

Clearly, the Lauders enjoy significant wealth, and there can be no doubt that not having to contend with money concerns separates their relationship from most of ours. But what left a far deeper and immediate impression upon me was something that is so elusive and that can't be bought: lasting chemistry.

Mr. Lauder sat down with me first. When Mrs. Lauder walked into the den in a pink boat-neck dress, he stopped what he was saying to me, turned to his wife and said, "Don't you look pretty."

After a half-century of marriage, he still had the hots for her.

With that in mind, I gathered my gumption and midway through the interview asked if they ever sneaked a smooch in the office.

There was silence. I thought the company publicist who was sitting on the couch beside me might need to be resuscitated.

Then Mrs. Lauder answered, simply and while looking me straight in the eye: "Yes."

Later, as I walked toward my office, I called my husband, Joe, at work.

"Let's kiss more," I said.
***

We don't see a lot of epic relationships. The partnerships that get glorified are those notable for the fame of the bride and groom, or for having a life span shorter than a baseball season.

The Lauders were well aware of this and were known to share their wisdom and advice.

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Re: Having a "Good Enough" Marriage is an Achievement

Post  Princess Soo-Won on Sun Jul 14, 2013 9:34 am

This is a wonderful post. Today is our 6th wedding anniversary, and me and my husband had been wondering about which direction our marriage will be heading. Like most couples, we have had bumps and bruises on the way. What really surprised me was the realization that continuing a happy marriage is HARD work. I remember reading in a memoir of a Korean business woman once who said the exact same thing. She wrote that there is no such thing as a "beautiful love that floats into your life like a dream and keeps wafting around you forever." I was in my early 20s at the time and while her words made sense to me, I never really UNDERSTOOD them.

Now I do.

Having grown up in an era where the concept of "soul mates" was everywhere ("Sleepless in Seattle" anyone?), it was subconsciously engrained into me that once I find the "right one," my happiness is forever guaranteed. I mean, we will have arguments of course, but once that wedding ring is on my finger, my responsibility and effort will be done.

I was wrong.

I would like to see more of these heart-warming posts about marriages. :-)

Princess Soo-Won

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Re: Having a "Good Enough" Marriage is an Achievement

Post  Elena on Sun Jul 14, 2013 2:03 pm

Thank you for contributing. I will see what I can find.I love you 

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